Friday, October 30, 2015

Days Like These


Today my oldest turns 22 and I am so proud of her. It is days like today that make me miss my late husband Mikey even more. I think of him everyday it is just that these special days sit heavy in my heart.

  It is such a double edge sword for me the loss of Mike. In one hand if he was still here then odds are I would not of been blessed with my four youngest. That would be such a loss. The other side is that my children would of been able to know an amazing man.

  I think on days like to day about how different my oldest three would of been if they had not lost a dad at such young ages. I know they would of had different interests and maybe different personalities. I acknowledge that there would be some good changes as well as some negative ones.

  I am blessed I know this and would not change my kids for anything but I can't help but think about these things especially on days that would of been special to Mikey.

  I remember how excited he was to become a dad. He had worried that because of his medical condition that he may never have any children and Micky was his miracle. He loved her with all his heart and could not of been a prouder dad the day she was born.

  Mikaela, Elijah and Josiah are a daily reminder of who he was and for that I am thankful. Marianna is the next generation of him that I get to try my best to share parts of him with her. Still I wonder.....and I day dream on days like these.........

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

HELP!!!!!! Mom Of Adults

 I have seven children. Their ages are 22 (on the 30th of this month), 19, 18, 16, forever 10, 13, and 10. I am also blessed with a 4 month old grand daughter so still have baby time.

  I have now had children of all ages up to when they become and adult and parents of their own even and I can tell you that adult children in many ways are the hardest.

  My oldest is my daughter and she is 22. She actually has been the easiest child I ever had. She still is. She was always very mature for her age and through the loss of her dad at 4 she actually was a huge help from a young age with her siblings. As a teen she was never very wild or had to many moments of acting rebellious. Now she is an adult who is coming out of her shell and trying to overcome issues she has and enjoying being a young adult experience her time before she marries and has a family.

  My other adult children are the ones I struggle with. I realize though that every child is different. Not one of  my kids is the same. They are very unique in their personalities and I love that.  I also realize they are newly adults so have that ''I am now an adult complex." '

  They are both men now and they are also brothers that have a very brother like relationship. My oldest son is 19 and a new dad. He recently moved back in when him and his girlfriend went through one of their break-ups. So now his daughter spends lots of time here and I love that. It also means I have learned to step back and let him be the parent because I am grandma and I need to let him learn. He also pays us rent something he wanted to make sure he did because as he said "I am a grown man and I need to take care of things." I am proud of him for both parts but at times it means he gets a bit cocky about being "A Man"  and feels that means he is the boss of this house.

  I feel he can have some say about certain things because yes he contributes and also if it comes to making sure his daughter is safe and taken care of the right way. I also feel he needs to remember that this is others homes too. It is still his siblings home even if they do not pay rent. They are all still kids and I never made him pay rent as a kid. The only one who is an adult by being 18 is still in high-school and till he graduates this year I don't want to force to pay rent. He needs to concentrate on graduating. My oldest sometimes like to bring up he pays rent to my 18yr and throw it in his face and all that does is start fights.

  Fights are what I am really getting at in this blog actually (just went the long way about it, sorry) My two oldest get in fights and then come running to me to fix it. Drives me nuts. They tell me all the time now how they are adults and I can not tell them what to do etc. , then a fight happens and it is "MOOOOOOM" and I am suppose to do something about it.  What  I have no clue. I can't ground them or stick them in a corner yet I am suppose to solve some fight.  If I tell them this then it is how they can not live with each other. 

  It was so much easier when they were not "ADULTS" I had some kind of power. Now it is like I have no say. Some days I am at my wits end. Thank you for letting me rant. I know other parents must have some of these issues. If anyone has any words of wisdom let me know. I am at the point where I am thinking I just need to get through the day and have a glass of wine or a cider at night!!!

Saturday, October 17, 2015

One Princess In Heaven One On Earth

Sleeping Beauty    

  I have always dealt with some form of depression and anxiety. I did not realize what it was when I was younger and the first time it was very apparent was when I was 17 and tried to commit suicide. It was the first time I realized there was something more to what I was feeling then some go through.

  From that point on I had my ups and downs with my depression and anxiety with it of course having moments where it was worse like when I loss my husband at the age of 24 and also after my daughter Katanna was born and had so many health issues. It has become overwhelming since losing Katanna. I have more bad then good days and I struggle so much with this. I do not like what I have become and I try to find my way back to the path of life daily.

  Almost 4 months ago I had a beacon of light come into my life. My granddaughter Marianna was born and she showed me how there is good even with all the hardship I have been dealing with. She makes me smile just having her in my presence. I hold her in my arms and she brings me comfort and calms my soul.

  I know that I still have much to do till I am not living in a dark time and life will never be the same. I am changed forever. Katanna was taken from me way too soon and I am loss without her and am stumbling on finding my way back, but Marianna shows me that Katanna is still with me and that she wants me to take all the love I will always have for her and be the best Grandma I can be.

  I will show Marianna who Katanna was by being as loving and understanding as she was. I will teach Marianna how to see life not as a trial but a gift. I will teach her compassion and to always do right. These are some of the many things Katanna taught me. I will keep her memory alive through Marianna.

  I am blessed with one Princess in heaven and one on earth.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Lamar Is More Then Khole's Ex

When I got on Twitter this morning the first tweet I saw was about NBA Lamar Odom being in the hospital in a coma and with organ failure. I went on to read different articles and of course tweets of what is going on.

  It is being reported he was found unconscious at a legal brothel in neveda after days of being on Viagra or an herbal Viagra and alcohol.

  First I have to admit that I am don't follow basketball. I usually tune into the Bulls playing if I am around my dad and or brother Brian, other then that not so much.  So yes the first time I heard about Lamar was when he married Khloe Kardashian. It is also when I begin to read about who he was and where he came from.

  Even though the Kardashian's are why I learned of who Lamar was I don't feel that it is right that people see and talk about him as the Ex husband of Khloe/reality star. He is so much more then that and in fact was WAY before he ever met Khloe.

  Lamar lost his mother to cancer at the age of 12, had a father who was a heroin addict and because of such was raised by his grandmother.  He was named USA's Today all USA 1st team as a senior he then when on to play basketball in college at University of Rhode Island.

 Professional he has played  for the Clippers, Heat, Lakers, Mavericks, the Spanish team Laboral Kutxa and the Knicks. He played in the Olympics and was awarded the NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award. He was the first Laker ever to do so.

 In his personal life he had 3 children with his Ex girlfriend Liza Morales. He had one daughter and two sons. Sadly his youngest son Jayden died as an infant to SIDS. Eventually he married Khole after only a month of dating and was on the shows Keeping Up With The Kardashians as well as Khloe & Lamar. Eventually they separated and divorced.

  Since the separation he suffered another major loss when his best friend passed away. As well as difficulty with dealing with how his basketball career has gone. Stemming from all of this he has struggled with drug addiction.

  As someone who has suffered great loss in my life and deal with depression and anxiety I can say that I feel he too has some of those same issues. People do not understand how loss in general but especially that of a child changes you so much. Many turn to outlets such as drugs and sex etc. to escape and cope with the emotions they are dealing with.

  I keep seeing some people joke about what is going on with Lamar. I have seen people be all about the Kardashians and where they are etc. Rumors are flying that they are even filming themselves for the show at the hospital. I have not seen much said about his surviving children or rest of his family. All of this makes me upset. The Kardashians are not what matter and making fun of or putting down someone who is on the verge of death is not cool.

  Who matters is Lamar and him getting better. His children are who people should be sharing their thoughts with. These are the people that matter and kindness should be shown to all of them right now.

  This is one more example of how people can be cruel and to into Pop culture. It is a prime example of people not understanding about mental illniss or addictions. I am once again appalled at how those issues are not being talked about more.

  I can only hope that people realize that people with these issues need your understanding and love. That more needs to be done in society with educating others as well as providing support for those who need it.

 Move on from the "In" thing at the moment and concentrate on those things that really matter and will always be an issue.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Randy Quaid Is NOT A Joke

 Randy Quaid is an amazing comedic actor and a funny man but I have been reading about what is happening with the actor Randy Quaid and I am disturbed at how people seem to find it a joke.

  I understand some of his behavior is "funny" and I can see how it would be easy to poke fun at how he is acting as well as his wife. Things they are saying and doing could be a funny SNL skit or a plot for a comedy. They themselves are posting things that are easy to watch and laugh at.

  I even can make fun of myself at times. I do things that I laugh at and make fun of at times. I have to or I think that I would find myself at an even darker place. I think making jokes and laughing has it place but this is not the right incident.

  What is sad about this is that Randy does not realize that he needs help. He does not see his behavior as a problem or out of control. He is on a dangerous spiral. He truly believes the things he says and he is acting out because of this.

  When someone is having episodes like this it can lead to something dangerous and life threatening even and this is why people need to try and help him. He does not need to be placed in a jail and he does not need to be used as entertainment. He needs help, serious medical help. I am not a doctor and will not attempt to diagnose him but as someone with mental health issues I can easily recoginse there is some issues. I also can see that his wife is also suffering from something and they are feeding off one another.

 Their behavior has been going on for years and is only getting worse. I hope that their family and friends reach out right now and help them get any all help they need. This is the time for people to reach out and give a hand.

  Hopefully this incident will bring more awareness to mental health and begin to address the major flaws in mental health care. For two many years it has slipped through the cracks and people have not seen that it needs as much attention as does physical health.

  If you do not know all I am talking about please Google his  name and read all the articles about his legal troubles and also posts he has put on twitter and other social sites.

Here is a link to the news story about his recent arrest and entry back to the United States
Randy Quaid Arrested In Vermont

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Attempt To Explain......

What is it like living with anxiety and depression you ask?

It is........
Timeless Tears
Heavy Heart
Racing Rationalization
Somber Soul
Dangerous Demons
Simulated Smiles
Lost Life
Dark Days
Neverending Nights
Frantic  Fear

You live like this waiting for the times that you feel "normal" and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It does not take anything to upset you or cause you to go into panic mode. Life can be going well and yet you still have this feeling of pending doom and as if the world has lost all its color.

Through in things that would cause anyone to be sad or stressed etc and it turns into such a dark and scary place you can't explain it. You either are living with peaks and valleys or in vicious circle that you can't escape.

Know that those who suffer with these things would do anything to make it not so. Know that what we are dealing with is very real. We want to hide it from the world so in turn hide ourselves. If you can't fully understand be thankful because that means you don't suffer like those of us that do understand far too well.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Wish I was anyone but me

 Emotions are at a high right now. I am pissed, heartbroken, frustrated and scared. All I can do is freak out in my head and cry non stop. I am in a situation that is new and it is hard to handle.

  To have someone you love more then life itself be hurt and not be able to do anything about it because there is another person you love just as much in the middle is so infuriating. Not to mention it is not my problem to solve when it really comes down to it.

  All I keep doing is freak out in my head. One minute wanting to attack and be hurtful towards another and the next wishing I was a kid again and could just run to my mommy and daddy and they would make it all better.

  I feel like I am losing it and trying to not. I came to write hoping this helps. I have tried to get my mind off it and nothing is working.

  I just want people to treat others kind. Why can't anyone do that. Why is it always drama and games and ways to up another. Life should not be about that.

 I know that in a blink of an eye you could lose someone and never ever get to see them again and yet people choose to take the time they do have and share with someone to be negative and hurtful.

 I know that life is not easy. I am not asking for that I am just wanting those that are in my life treat others with love.

 I am in a serious spin of panic and sadness right now. I am doing everythinig in my power to not lose it completely. I am on the verge of a breakdown. Even with feeling all this I do know that others are also hurting and maybe I should not think about my feelings but I am struggling.

 This is just one more of those times I wish I did not have my mind....I wish I had a harder heart and I really hate being me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

I can call myself not so much.

  I have issuses. Many many issues. I suffer from depression as well as anxiety. I have panic attacks and I can freak out about small things when logically I know I should not. 

  I at times even lump it up as "I am crazy" even when I know that I am not really crazy per say it is just a way to say that I have issues. 

  What I hate is how some people use that "I am crazy" as a way for them to excuse their behavior. It makes me want to act out and act as if I am this psycho they like to call me. To show them what a psycho is for real. I have to be honest at times I have reacted in ways I am not happy with. I am ashamed in fact with some of the ways I have behaved. 

  It just sucks that people tend to want to take something that is an illness and use it for their own advantage. They want to use it in order to make themselves not have to be accountable for their actions. 

  I am also angry with myself that I allow them to do this. Over and over they continue to make you feel CRAZY for having feelings. I may have some mental illnesses but that does not mean my feelings are not legitimate feelings. 

  I do not like the woman I have become around certain people. I am not me anymore....not just because of certain people but because of life....choices I have made and mostly because of the mental illnesses I can not change. 

  I am "Crazy".....but only I can say that!!!!!