Friday, November 20, 2015

Will Sam Listen???



 For anyone that does not follow the catfish story of Meri Brown from Sister Wives this blog entry will not really matter to you lol! For those who are also upset that "Sam" is still trying to prove they are not Jackie Overton then this may interest you!

  I am really wanting this Jackie Overton to be stopped with how they keep going out and searching for people to victimize. I have recently learned that not only have the catfish many woman as well as men, she has stolen money and even hurt a child during these times. That angers me. It means she is doing so many crimes and not having to answer for them.

  I also was talking to someone on twitter and we both were saying that though maybe at this point we are not feeling bad per say for Jackie we know she needs help. This is a sick person. She could eventually hurt others more severely and even her self. If anyone actually knows her in real life they need to reach out to her and try to get her to seek help. Law enforcement needs to stop her from doing anymore crimes and maybe a Judge could force her to find help. I want this so no one else is victimized by her.

  Recently I commented on "Sams" blog and am waiting to see if they will actually accepted it and respond. They usually on respond to ones that say they believe them. I was respectful and never said anything hurtful. I stated my opinion as well as point out how what they are saying so far is not proving anything. I then suggested how they could end all this in a swoop. I doubt it will be put up so I am posting it here and will share this blog on twitter so others other who are still up in the air about this "Sam" person will be able to have more info to make a decision. I am doing this because hopefully Jackie does not find a new victim from these people with big hearts reaching out in kindness. She will use that to her advantage and I don't want anyone else hurt.

   Here is what I wrote.........

   In reality what you are showing here shows nothing. Intimate does not have to mean physical.You can be intimate on the phone through sexting, phone sex and even with videos or watching someone do things live. The picture could of been one she took and sent to you it is not an angle that would make that seem not possible. Texts between Lindsay and Meri you just typed so could make them up.
 
  Now a days even a kid can alter texts or make up fake ones online. You can even Text yourself with a dif name  to screen shot a convo in order to fake texts. Voice mails can be altered.
 
  So yes all these could be real but there is one big thing missing in all these YOU. You are not in the pictures, you are not in any videos with her and you are not in the recordings.

  Yes you would have intimate photos and voice mails of her pleading etc. You will have texts. No one has ever doubted you had a relationship with Meri. What is doubted is you are Sam.


  You first claimed you would not share anything and would take the brunt of everything because you love her so much. You had no need for anyone to believe you because Meri knew the truth and that was all that matter. You stated you would never want to hurt her. At that time I did not just jump to you not being who you said you were because that rang more truth. That you loved this woman and had no reason to prove crap because it was never about anything but your love for her. Since then you have done a 180.

  You are not only constantly trying to prove who you are to the point you are willing to write a book that will make you money (something else you claimed you did not want.) You are also sharing very intimate details that will only HURT the woman you keep saying you love. I true man who loves a soul mate would NEVER hurt that woman. They would take a bullet for that person. They would rather the world hate them etc then ever have their soul mate be embarrassed, hurt and attacked.

  The more you do opposite you started saying you were about in the first part the more  you make yourself look Fake. You are def not accomplishing what you are trying to do. I now have no doubt you are not who you say you are.

   The only way anybody will really believe you is if you actually get in front of a camera and talk about who you are. If not to a reporter then put one on here. Sit in front of a camera and speak your story. Don't edit it. Do it in one shot and in fact if you want to take it one more step have a Newspaper with the date on it. Also post all these pics etc you keep claiming to have of you WITH Meri. Sounds far fetched maybe and out of control but that is exactly where this whole story is at. You do that and this comes to an end. Maybe a few will still say otherwise but most will not be able to argue that.

   I will even publicly apologize for everything I have ever said and go on camera  myself to do so. (I NEVER go on cam. I have my own issues but would for this.) I doubt I will have to apologize and I even doubt you will post this or respond at all. It will just be one more thing in my eyes that I was wrong to ever think that maybe you were who you said you were. That you will never tell the truth.

   I am going to copy  this and share on my blog as well as link on twitter in order to show others how I reached out to you and in a respectful way. That way if you don't share this I can at least say I tried and also let others make a decision on if you are a man telling the truth would not respond to this. Thank you for reading all of this.


Monday, November 16, 2015

Proof Can Sometimes Be More Lies



 I had already decided awhile ago that I was going to write about my catfishing experience after I really got into reading etc about Meri Browns from the TLC show Sister wives. In fact I had already began writing just not publishing the blogs yet because I realized my story was so long I would need to break it up in daily posts rather than one long rambling one. I was going to wait till I was completely done writing all of it and then start posting daily. I still will do that, as I want to tell my story in a more complete and detail way. Todays blog is just in response to the last blog entry that "Samuel Cooper" aka notbatmanyet wrote about how they have PROOF that Meri is lying and they are real.

  The blog made me so angry as I read it. I guess first and foremost because it was almost as if the person who had lied to me was writing about how I was lying and they were real. So much of the blog was things I could hear this person saying to defend themselves if they were writing a blog to the world. I took it personally even though it has nothing to do with me.

 I was also angry because it appeared to me as a control freak trying to control as well as embarrass and threaten another person. A person I feel that though has responsibility in their actions is also in a very mental and emotional state right now. Meri is suffering big time in her life. She was before this person came along and she is now even more. Yes some because of her own actions and choices but some because of how others have treated her.

 Sorry if this ends up a bit long. The blog entry I am referring to is long and I want to touch base on quite a few things they wrote to give others a chance to maybe see through Meri's eyes. I also want to state I do not know Meri. We have never spoke. I have only read what is out on the internet and heard what has been on the press and in the show. I am writing this based on my experience and how I see myself in Meri as well as see the person who catfished me In "Samuel Cooper" aka notbatmanyet.

 First thing this person states is that they have not watched the show this WHOLE season because emotionally too hard. Surprise, surprise though when they show says it will be about them then they find the strength to watch. This is a theme this person has played through this whole ordeal. They don't know what is going on when it comes to the show, want nothing to do with it and can only answer something if someone tells them what was said etc. I call BS "Sam" is human so even if they are really who they say they are, they will want to know what is going on. I have seen this played too when it came to my catfish. They pull away, it is too hard for them because they love you so much and can not be hurt but in reality they are watching the whole time. They know facts surprisingly they could not unless they were watching you. It is one more way they feel they prove themselves as who they say they are. They tried to act as if they are moving on and you don't mean so much to them. In reality they are in a panic. They have lost the one thing they wanted in the first place power/control. It is the basis of the relationship they had with you.

The Alaska trip is something I have heard many say shows that Meri is lying now. First off they were still talking at that time, or so I believe. I feel she was struggling with letting go of either life. Having doubts etc about "Sam" but desperately wanting him to be true so "he" could save her from a situation she was feeling stuck in and at the same time not wanting to hurt her family because no matter what you may feel about the way that family lives it still is a family. I believe they love each other and I definitely believe all the mothers love all the kids. Has Meri lied...You bet. She was lying to her family the whole time the relationship was going on. She lied to herself anytime she had doubt about Sam or trying to make the relationship ok. It was wrong of her and something she will have to face. I know because I did the same. I hid so much from others thinking they would judge me for my relationship since it was not typical and I lied to myself when I knew deep down things were wrong. I just wanted this love to be real. I think she lied to "Sam" during this time too. Trying to keep "him" happy so on and believing she was still playing everything they talked about because she was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on as well as worried maybe her family was in danger by her actions. So no Meri saying she was protecting her family I feel is true too. I know that at the end of the relationship I had with my catfisher I would say things to them in order to make them feel safe enough to still tell me things etc. I was trying to get more info from them in order for them to hang themselves so to speak. I was also worried that I had gotten involved with someone so deceitful had I put my family in Jeopardy.
 
  Next point is don't think just because they have so much personal information about Meri and her life with her family, things that are behind the scenes etc or never shown on TV means Meri is lying. Of course they do. They were in a relationship for 6 months. Like any relationship you share everything with each other. You talk about your daily goings on as well as things that are upsetting etc. If they had no information like this then that would make no sense and I would believe this person was someone who was going a step further and faking being the catfisher aka "Sam". The part I find funny now is how "Sam" is spilling all of these details. They have been stating the whole time no matter what they love Meri and would not share these intimate details because they do not want to hurt her. They would rather the world hate them then hurt her. Again I have heard this before from the person who fooled me and surprise, surprise as time went on and they loss more control of me and realized I knew the truth completely of them they too started telling others we knew things to make themselves appear as the victim. These people have the desire that everyone loves them. It is part of the reason I feel they pretend to be others. They don't like who they are and maybe don't have others in their life making them feel as if they are liked or loved so they search to become someone everyone sees as wonderful.

  This next point is going to be embarrassing to talk about and I know some of you out there may think things about me or maybe even comment something unkind. It is ok. I know how it looks and I have shame over but I also know that it is something that would not shame me if in the end I was not catfished and it had been a real person. I am going to touch on his claim of having sex with Meri over 60 times in 6mo. First off shame on "Sam" for talking about that if "he" is "real". The love must not be real because you would not have to go in to the detail that they did if you loved someone. That is private information. Saying that I will be going into a bit of detail on my part but again it is something I would not talk about like this if my relationship had been real and the other person had not lied.

 I do believe that Meri and Sam were intimate. I believe they "made love" not in a physical way or your typical way when you are in a relationship, but how you do it when you are miles apart from the one you love. I believe this because I was intimate with the person who catfish me. I was intimate with them even though I had never met them personally and never even seen there face besides ONE picture. Yes one. I know how that sounds. They saw me on camera even....I only heard their voice. I never even had a phone number of theirs so no talking on a cell phone. Yet I exposed myself to them in a very personal way. I know this appears crazy on my behalf and when I finish writing my blog posts and start posting them I will explain all this in better detail. I was in love and I wanted to be intimate with the person I love. We even called what we were doing "making love". Yes it was either done in typing form or on camera with only their voice and me visually but it was how we were intimate. So for Sam to say they were together I bet they were. I would not be surprised if they had phone sex, sexted, shared intimate emails and even if Meri was on camera for "him". The pictures "he" tries to say she would NEVER send if they had not met and were intimate is BULL. It is possible because I am an example of that and I have also talked to others who did the same. I mean there is a TV show about these exact things happening to people of all ages etc. I consider myself intelligent etc, yet I was foolish in my actions because of how someone made me feel. I was HUMAN as I feel Meri has been too.

 The next thing that I want to talk about is how could Meri know something was not quite right even the first week but keep up a relationship for 6mo. That seems asinine. Well again I can say it very well could be true because I did the same thing. Early on getting to know this person there were things not adding up etc. The longer we got to know each other  more cracks became apparent and I would question this other person. They would always have good stories, flip it around on me to make me feel guilty for second guessing, get angry with me or even start questioning me about things as if to make me to show me how easy it is to question some ones behavior from afar. If I was telling the truth and yet they had doubts could it now be the same on their part. I also was in love. I thought this was the one for me and we had met at a very low time in my life. I stayed with this person off and on for almost 2 years....so 6 mo is actually not that big of time. I have to applaud her for leaving sooner then I did and listening to what her mind was telling her instead of her heart. That is hard to do.

 "Sam" talks about how they walked away but yet even September after they broke up Meri came back twice and added "him" as a friend on twitter. That if "he" had lied to her and was not real why would she do that. I can say because when it is fresh you so desperately want to be wrong about the truth you now know that you can't let go so easily. You also want to see if that person is as hurt as you because of how damaged you are at the time. You want them broken as you are. It only seems right for them to hurt too. Also if somehow it could be that you are wrong then one you have a chance to have the love back in your life that you want so much and two you don't feel so stupid. You won't have to look at yourself in the mirror embarrassed that you believed some of the most ludicrous things in the world and allowed someone to make you feel as if you were they crazy one for doubting. It allows you to stop felling horrible for letting someone control you as they did. So for Meri to keep hanging on does not surprise me. In fact if she still has "feelings" for "Sam" I would not be surprised. You HATE then as much as you LOVE them.  The hate is for who they really are and the love for the person you thought they were. It is one of the most confusing things to deal with.

  Meri calling "Sam" a "he" and a bastard on the show again shows nothing. It took me AGES to stop using the name I thought the person was and saying he. In fact I now say the crazy person, it, or even he/she when speaking about them. To me it is like they are two people the one that I had relationship that has now "died" in a way and the person they really all. I mean think about when someone is transgender and decides that they now want to be known as an opposite sex. How often do people slip up with saying the wrong pronoun or name at first. It is similar even if this person had always truly been a woman to you they were a man, you knew no better. Meri will get there. Eventually in her heart, mind and when she speaks she will be able to see this person as who they are. I can tell you it has now been over 4 years since I came to full terms that this person I thought was a man is really a woman and though I don't think about them like I use to, songs etc don't make me tear up for the love I lost, I have moments when the thoughts of them creep in. These thoughts are the same as those I have for loved ones who have passed. It is mourning the death of someone dear to you. I am ok with that. It shows that I am not cold hearted and that I am a person who feels.  I like that about me.

 "Sam" goes on to talk about how could Meri cry when speaking about how much she enjoyed talking if "he" was so awful. I refer to what I said up above. You still have wonderful memories and you miss how you felt while with this person. It was REAL for Meri. She was not lying or faking her feelings. She was sharing all of her with this person and they said the right things to make her fell alive again. So of course there is sadness to this. If she acted different I would then begin to think Meri was a liar. Those raw emotions ring of TRUTH.

 Meri felt threatened by this person and though they claim they had done nothing to her who is to say that is true. They could of said things to make her feel they would hurt her family. Even if they had not you need to understand that these people begin to mess with you mind. Your sanity even. You start doubting so much. When you begin to come out of it you start to wonder if they were willing to go this far how far would they. Could they hurt your family. For Meri there was more risk then in my case. I am not on TV my family is not known and already harassed for their lifestyle. My way of making a living was not from entertaining and sharing my life with the public. "Sam" was a threat in just that regard. If any of this did come out in the wrong way etc not only would it personally hurt the family to know Meri had been doing all this behind their back it was going to bring more harassment to all of them as well as a chance TLC could shut down the whole show. So it makes completes sense she felt threatened. Even if "he" is "real" this whole thing is a threat. He constantly brings up all his "lawyers" that in a way comes off threatening. I remember how the "man" I was involved with too had so many "lawyers" and how they could protect "him". Never said it directly to me per say but almost to hold over my head. I heard about them so many times especially right around the same time I started asking too many questions or mentioned reaching out to his family to get to know them. Never a direct threat more something in the back of my head that I could find legal trouble. I know that for me it was a threat because I have nothing. I am not rich so no way to fight back. They again had the POWER.

 Yes I believe a lot of the show is edited certain ways...it is a TV show so of course it is. Just because it is reality TV does not mean it is all "real" we have learned that through the years since reality TV became so popular. I feel the base of what is going on is real. That none of us could ever know exactly what as real because it is not our lives and we were not there. No one could ever say what is completely real in my story except for us involved. I can only share my side and let others decide. So "Sam" proclaiming how editing twisted some of the things may be one of the only times they speak the truth. Editing does play a part in this story but we have to just keep that in mind. It does not prove though that Meri is lying.

 Last couple points in things "Sam" said at the end of his blog entry are what I want to speak about now. First "he" put someone had sent a comment saying no matter if "Sam" was a man or woman Meri had an emotional affair. That is true. Meri will have to deal with her part in all of this the difference though between "Sam" and Meri is "Sam" knew who they were and Meri believed they were someone different. So "Sam" had an upper hand. Lastly I want to say that I now find it so funny that "Sam" has decided that the next time Meri and "Sam" will most likely see each other is in court. "Sam" said this after saying how much they loved Meri. Great way to show love I have to say and also PLEASE go to court. There will be no hiding if you were to do this. All key players would have to be there. "Sam", Meri and of course Lindsay. Let see then who's story rings truthfully.

 I will start posting my story soon on my blog. I just need to finish writing it then splitting it up. I know in doing so many may say horrible things about me and that is ok. I understand some will still not get how someone could be so stupid that too is fine. I just hope that maybe some people will start to understand how this can happen and also help others not be afraid to speak out if this is happening or did happen to them. Sorry for such a long blog. I am linking the Blog entry I am speaking about down below. If for some reason "Sam" takes it down or you are blocked to see I do have the whole thing copied down. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am just so sick of liars getting away with crap.

Side note I did use the word THEY a lot in this post. Understand someone who is a catfisher is at least two people, the person they pretend to be and of course the real them. Many times though they are a web of people that have been created in order to help with all the lies and PROVE they are real.

Blog I am speaking about











 

 
 



Thursday, November 12, 2015

Guilty Pleasure Reality TV And Brooks LIE


 I am someone who will admit that I have the guilt pleasure of watching many "reality TV" shows. I know that the reality part of it is not really true. I know that a lot of it is scripted and they edit so much of it. I also know that there does ring truths in it because it is following peoples lives.

  I have been recently into the whole Brooks Ayers cancer lie. No matter if he does have cancer (which I really don't believe) there were lies said. He has admitted to some as well as his Ex Vicki. The part that makes me sick is that there was any lying at all when it comes to someone having cancer. So many people out there are dealing with cancer or someone they love having it. So many people have lost people to cancer. To lie about something like that is despicable.

  I have never liked Vicki on the show. Her personality would just not be someone I would hang with. I don't know her personally maybe she is different off camera but the woman I see on the show just rubs me the wrong way. Her lying has made me like her even less. I will say this though if she would be honest now that she got caught and admit her part I would be able to begin to respect her more. Not completely because how can you respect a person who is so about her show and being famous that she lies about cancer but I could begin to respect her as being a human who makes mistakes. We all do. We all have lied at some point and we will through out our lives. It is called being a human being. I will never have respect for someone who can not admit when they are wrong or their mistakes.

  It is sad that she ruined friendships as well as treat her own daughter so poorly over a man and a TV show. I can only hope that she really did love this man so much that in ways she was blinded by that love and wanting to please him that she went this far. I at least can understand loving someone almost too much that you make horrible choices. Who knows though maybe her love for him was just for the show.

  I know I will continue to watch reality TV including Vicki but I can say that I don't watch it like I did before not wanting to miss every episode etc. Now it is more when nothing else is on and reading a lot of recaps online. It is still interesting to me but to see how far people will go for fame and TV makes me not like them as much.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Days Like These

 

Today my oldest turns 22 and I am so proud of her. It is days like today that make me miss my late husband Mikey even more. I think of him everyday it is just that these special days sit heavy in my heart.

  It is such a double edge sword for me the loss of Mike. In one hand if he was still here then odds are I would not of been blessed with my four youngest. That would be such a loss. The other side is that my children would of been able to know an amazing man.

  I think on days like to day about how different my oldest three would of been if they had not lost a dad at such young ages. I know they would of had different interests and maybe different personalities. I acknowledge that there would be some good changes as well as some negative ones.

  I am blessed I know this and would not change my kids for anything but I can't help but think about these things especially on days that would of been special to Mikey.

  I remember how excited he was to become a dad. He had worried that because of his medical condition that he may never have any children and Micky was his miracle. He loved her with all his heart and could not of been a prouder dad the day she was born.

  Mikaela, Elijah and Josiah are a daily reminder of who he was and for that I am thankful. Marianna is the next generation of him that I get to try my best to share parts of him with her. Still I wonder.....and I day dream on days like these.........

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

HELP!!!!!! Mom Of Adults


 I have seven children. Their ages are 22 (on the 30th of this month), 19, 18, 16, forever 10, 13, and 10. I am also blessed with a 4 month old grand daughter so still have baby time.


  I have now had children of all ages up to when they become and adult and parents of their own even and I can tell you that adult children in many ways are the hardest.

  My oldest is my daughter and she is 22. She actually has been the easiest child I ever had. She still is. She was always very mature for her age and through the loss of her dad at 4 she actually was a huge help from a young age with her siblings. As a teen she was never very wild or had to many moments of acting rebellious. Now she is an adult who is coming out of her shell and trying to overcome issues she has and enjoying being a young adult experience her time before she marries and has a family.

  My other adult children are the ones I struggle with. I realize though that every child is different. Not one of  my kids is the same. They are very unique in their personalities and I love that.  I also realize they are newly adults so have that ''I am now an adult complex." '

  They are both men now and they are also brothers that have a very brother like relationship. My oldest son is 19 and a new dad. He recently moved back in when him and his girlfriend went through one of their break-ups. So now his daughter spends lots of time here and I love that. It also means I have learned to step back and let him be the parent because I am grandma and I need to let him learn. He also pays us rent something he wanted to make sure he did because as he said "I am a grown man and I need to take care of things." I am proud of him for both parts but at times it means he gets a bit cocky about being "A Man"  and feels that means he is the boss of this house.

  I feel he can have some say about certain things because yes he contributes and also if it comes to making sure his daughter is safe and taken care of the right way. I also feel he needs to remember that this is others homes too. It is still his siblings home even if they do not pay rent. They are all still kids and I never made him pay rent as a kid. The only one who is an adult by being 18 is still in high-school and till he graduates this year I don't want to force to pay rent. He needs to concentrate on graduating. My oldest sometimes like to bring up he pays rent to my 18yr and throw it in his face and all that does is start fights.

  Fights are what I am really getting at in this blog actually (just went the long way about it, sorry) My two oldest get in fights and then come running to me to fix it. Drives me nuts. They tell me all the time now how they are adults and I can not tell them what to do etc. , then a fight happens and it is "MOOOOOOM" and I am suppose to do something about it.  What  I have no clue. I can't ground them or stick them in a corner yet I am suppose to solve some fight.  If I tell them this then it is how they can not live with each other. 

  It was so much easier when they were not "ADULTS" I had some kind of power. Now it is like I have no say. Some days I am at my wits end. Thank you for letting me rant. I know other parents must have some of these issues. If anyone has any words of wisdom let me know. I am at the point where I am thinking I just need to get through the day and have a glass of wine or a cider at night!!!

Saturday, October 17, 2015

One Princess In Heaven One On Earth

Sleeping Beauty    

  I have always dealt with some form of depression and anxiety. I did not realize what it was when I was younger and the first time it was very apparent was when I was 17 and tried to commit suicide. It was the first time I realized there was something more to what I was feeling then some go through.

  From that point on I had my ups and downs with my depression and anxiety with it of course having moments where it was worse like when I loss my husband at the age of 24 and also after my daughter Katanna was born and had so many health issues. It has become overwhelming since losing Katanna. I have more bad then good days and I struggle so much with this. I do not like what I have become and I try to find my way back to the path of life daily.

  Almost 4 months ago I had a beacon of light come into my life. My granddaughter Marianna was born and she showed me how there is good even with all the hardship I have been dealing with. She makes me smile just having her in my presence. I hold her in my arms and she brings me comfort and calms my soul.

  I know that I still have much to do till I am not living in a dark time and life will never be the same. I am changed forever. Katanna was taken from me way too soon and I am loss without her and am stumbling on finding my way back, but Marianna shows me that Katanna is still with me and that she wants me to take all the love I will always have for her and be the best Grandma I can be.

  I will show Marianna who Katanna was by being as loving and understanding as she was. I will teach Marianna how to see life not as a trial but a gift. I will teach her compassion and to always do right. These are some of the many things Katanna taught me. I will keep her memory alive through Marianna.

  I am blessed with one Princess in heaven and one on earth.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Lamar Is More Then Khole's Ex



When I got on Twitter this morning the first tweet I saw was about NBA Lamar Odom being in the hospital in a coma and with organ failure. I went on to read different articles and of course tweets of what is going on.

  It is being reported he was found unconscious at a legal brothel in neveda after days of being on Viagra or an herbal Viagra and alcohol.

  First I have to admit that I am don't follow basketball. I usually tune into the Bulls playing if I am around my dad and or brother Brian, other then that not so much.  So yes the first time I heard about Lamar was when he married Khloe Kardashian. It is also when I begin to read about who he was and where he came from.

  Even though the Kardashian's are why I learned of who Lamar was I don't feel that it is right that people see and talk about him as the Ex husband of Khloe/reality star. He is so much more then that and in fact was WAY before he ever met Khloe.

  Lamar lost his mother to cancer at the age of 12, had a father who was a heroin addict and because of such was raised by his grandmother.  He was named USA's Today all USA 1st team as a senior he then when on to play basketball in college at University of Rhode Island.

 Professional he has played  for the Clippers, Heat, Lakers, Mavericks, the Spanish team Laboral Kutxa and the Knicks. He played in the Olympics and was awarded the NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award. He was the first Laker ever to do so.

 In his personal life he had 3 children with his Ex girlfriend Liza Morales. He had one daughter and two sons. Sadly his youngest son Jayden died as an infant to SIDS. Eventually he married Khole after only a month of dating and was on the shows Keeping Up With The Kardashians as well as Khloe & Lamar. Eventually they separated and divorced.

  Since the separation he suffered another major loss when his best friend passed away. As well as difficulty with dealing with how his basketball career has gone. Stemming from all of this he has struggled with drug addiction.

  As someone who has suffered great loss in my life and deal with depression and anxiety I can say that I feel he too has some of those same issues. People do not understand how loss in general but especially that of a child changes you so much. Many turn to outlets such as drugs and sex etc. to escape and cope with the emotions they are dealing with.

  I keep seeing some people joke about what is going on with Lamar. I have seen people be all about the Kardashians and where they are etc. Rumors are flying that they are even filming themselves for the show at the hospital. I have not seen much said about his surviving children or rest of his family. All of this makes me upset. The Kardashians are not what matter and making fun of or putting down someone who is on the verge of death is not cool.

  Who matters is Lamar and him getting better. His children are who people should be sharing their thoughts with. These are the people that matter and kindness should be shown to all of them right now.

  This is one more example of how people can be cruel and to into Pop culture. It is a prime example of people not understanding about mental illniss or addictions. I am once again appalled at how those issues are not being talked about more.

  I can only hope that people realize that people with these issues need your understanding and love. That more needs to be done in society with educating others as well as providing support for those who need it.

 Move on from the "In" thing at the moment and concentrate on those things that really matter and will always be an issue.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Randy Quaid Is NOT A Joke



 Randy Quaid is an amazing comedic actor and a funny man but I have been reading about what is happening with the actor Randy Quaid and I am disturbed at how people seem to find it a joke.

  I understand some of his behavior is "funny" and I can see how it would be easy to poke fun at how he is acting as well as his wife. Things they are saying and doing could be a funny SNL skit or a plot for a comedy. They themselves are posting things that are easy to watch and laugh at.

  I even can make fun of myself at times. I do things that I laugh at and make fun of at times. I have to or I think that I would find myself at an even darker place. I think making jokes and laughing has it place but this is not the right incident.

  What is sad about this is that Randy does not realize that he needs help. He does not see his behavior as a problem or out of control. He is on a dangerous spiral. He truly believes the things he says and he is acting out because of this.

  When someone is having episodes like this it can lead to something dangerous and life threatening even and this is why people need to try and help him. He does not need to be placed in a jail and he does not need to be used as entertainment. He needs help, serious medical help. I am not a doctor and will not attempt to diagnose him but as someone with mental health issues I can easily recoginse there is some issues. I also can see that his wife is also suffering from something and they are feeding off one another.

 Their behavior has been going on for years and is only getting worse. I hope that their family and friends reach out right now and help them get any all help they need. This is the time for people to reach out and give a hand.

  Hopefully this incident will bring more awareness to mental health and begin to address the major flaws in mental health care. For two many years it has slipped through the cracks and people have not seen that it needs as much attention as does physical health.

  If you do not know all I am talking about please Google his  name and read all the articles about his legal troubles and also posts he has put on twitter and other social sites.

Here is a link to the news story about his recent arrest and entry back to the United States
Randy Quaid Arrested In Vermont


Thursday, October 8, 2015

Attempt To Explain......



What is it like living with anxiety and depression you ask?

It is........
Timeless Tears
Heavy Heart
Racing Rationalization
Somber Soul
Dangerous Demons
Simulated Smiles
Lost Life
Dark Days
Neverending Nights
Frantic  Fear

You live like this waiting for the times that you feel "normal" and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It does not take anything to upset you or cause you to go into panic mode. Life can be going well and yet you still have this feeling of pending doom and as if the world has lost all its color.

Through in things that would cause anyone to be sad or stressed etc and it turns into such a dark and scary place you can't explain it. You either are living with peaks and valleys or in vicious circle that you can't escape.

Know that those who suffer with these things would do anything to make it not so. Know that what we are dealing with is very real. We want to hide it from the world so in turn hide ourselves. If you can't fully understand be thankful because that means you don't suffer like those of us that do understand far too well.




Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Wish I was anyone but me



 Emotions are at a high right now. I am pissed, heartbroken, frustrated and scared. All I can do is freak out in my head and cry non stop. I am in a situation that is new and it is hard to handle.

  To have someone you love more then life itself be hurt and not be able to do anything about it because there is another person you love just as much in the middle is so infuriating. Not to mention it is not my problem to solve when it really comes down to it.

  All I keep doing is freak out in my head. One minute wanting to attack and be hurtful towards another and the next wishing I was a kid again and could just run to my mommy and daddy and they would make it all better.

  I feel like I am losing it and trying to not. I came to write hoping this helps. I have tried to get my mind off it and nothing is working.



  I just want people to treat others kind. Why can't anyone do that. Why is it always drama and games and ways to up another. Life should not be about that.

 I know that in a blink of an eye you could lose someone and never ever get to see them again and yet people choose to take the time they do have and share with someone to be negative and hurtful.

 I know that life is not easy. I am not asking for that I am just wanting those that are in my life treat others with love.

 I am in a serious spin of panic and sadness right now. I am doing everythinig in my power to not lose it completely. I am on the verge of a breakdown. Even with feeling all this I do know that others are also hurting and maybe I should not think about my feelings but I am struggling.

 This is just one more of those times I wish I did not have my mind....I wish I had a harder heart and I really hate being me.


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

I can call myself crazy....you not so much.

 
  I have issuses. Many many issues. I suffer from depression as well as anxiety. I have panic attacks and I can freak out about small things when logically I know I should not. 

  I at times even lump it up as "I am crazy" even when I know that I am not really crazy per say it is just a way to say that I have issues. 

  What I hate is how some people use that "I am crazy" as a way for them to excuse their behavior. It makes me want to act out and act as if I am this psycho they like to call me. To show them what a psycho is for real. I have to be honest at times I have reacted in ways I am not happy with. I am ashamed in fact with some of the ways I have behaved. 

  It just sucks that people tend to want to take something that is an illness and use it for their own advantage. They want to use it in order to make themselves not have to be accountable for their actions. 

  I am also angry with myself that I allow them to do this. Over and over they continue to make you feel CRAZY for having feelings. I may have some mental illnesses but that does not mean my feelings are not legitimate feelings. 

  I do not like the woman I have become around certain people. I am not me anymore....not just because of certain people but because of life....choices I have made and mostly because of the mental illnesses I can not change. 

  I am "Crazy".....but only I can say that!!!!!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Long time....How you doing??



  I have not written here since January.  I have written on another blog since then one that I have put out there more but even with that blog it has been forever. I find that I have not felt that sharing my thoughts is not something I should do. Partly because I feel that it is not really reaching anyone and partly from fear and my depression.

 On the 11th of this month it has been 4 years since I loss Katanna. She would of been 14 years old on her way to being 15. Middle school would be coming to an end this year for her and then she would of been off to being in high school. I look at her sister Kiara who is 13 and in the 8th grade and think about how these would of been the years they would of maybe gotten closer. Katanna would of been in special classes but had more chance to be with her sister now. I see Kiara excited about how soon she will be doing Homecomings etc. and I begin to feel so sad that Katanna will never have the chance to do these things. Kiara and her would of crossed the stage this year as 8th graders graduating and I can picture Kiara pushing her sisters wheelchair across the stage and  now it will never happen.

  I am so very sad. I find myself in a spiral of a depression after a summer of coming out of my shell. I became a grandmother in June and that brought such joy. In July I went to visit my family in Florida and met my father Julian and that side of the family after years of not seeing them. In August I went to Illinois to help my best friend. My "soul mate" aka sister with moving and other things going on in her life. I was not hiding or just being sad.

  I am back to being in a dark place. It makes me ashamed of myself. I hate when I get here. I try so hard to not look into the side of life that makes me feel lost. I don't like where I am and it makes me so angry with who I am. I hate who I am now. In this constant up and down pattern.

  I have lost who I ever was........ I don't know if I will ever find myself back to the person I was.


  Forever in this vicious circle..........................................................................

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Rambling Mind Of A Woman With Anxiety and Depression. (Makes me feel crazy!)


This is going to be me rambling. I want a way to show how my brain works. Sorry if it makes no sense.
Just saw a video advertising a youtube channel called the scene. I am always impressed when people use their creativity to entertain others as well as find a way to spend time as a family. I think children with creative parents are very blessed. My mom is creative and she could come up with some interesting things for us to do. As well as presents she made for us etc. I am jealous of those who have a natural talent to look at things around them and use their imagination to create something. I wish I was far better at it.

Watching Ballykissangel on youtube (listening more then watching) It makes me keep hoping there is a day I will be able to go across the pond and visit all of the UK.

Fear and depression sucks. I hate that I am fearful of even speaking to people because I have not for so long.... I have been hiding in my despair. It is a vicious cycle. I hate that is who I have become. It feels as if it will never end.
Life is so unfair at times and when I read stories such as Ethan Saylors it makes me so angry. I think there is two things that can be learned by this. First that every individually deserves to have justice no matter what the circumstance. 2nd People who are part of public safety should have adequate training to handle situations dealing with people with special needs. I don't think these police officers meant to kill the young man but if they had listened to his helper and also had better training he would not of had to die. As a parent of a daughter who had special needs and a sister of a man with down syndrome I know that it is the goal to help them be able to be the most productive independent citizens that they are capable of being. So more people need awarness on how to handle certain situations so they can be safe in the world.