Monday, September 28, 2015

Long time....How you doing??

  I have not written here since January.  I have written on another blog since then one that I have put out there more but even with that blog it has been forever. I find that I have not felt that sharing my thoughts is not something I should do. Partly because I feel that it is not really reaching anyone and partly from fear and my depression.

 On the 11th of this month it has been 4 years since I loss Katanna. She would of been 14 years old on her way to being 15. Middle school would be coming to an end this year for her and then she would of been off to being in high school. I look at her sister Kiara who is 13 and in the 8th grade and think about how these would of been the years they would of maybe gotten closer. Katanna would of been in special classes but had more chance to be with her sister now. I see Kiara excited about how soon she will be doing Homecomings etc. and I begin to feel so sad that Katanna will never have the chance to do these things. Kiara and her would of crossed the stage this year as 8th graders graduating and I can picture Kiara pushing her sisters wheelchair across the stage and  now it will never happen.

  I am so very sad. I find myself in a spiral of a depression after a summer of coming out of my shell. I became a grandmother in June and that brought such joy. In July I went to visit my family in Florida and met my father Julian and that side of the family after years of not seeing them. In August I went to Illinois to help my best friend. My "soul mate" aka sister with moving and other things going on in her life. I was not hiding or just being sad.

  I am back to being in a dark place. It makes me ashamed of myself. I hate when I get here. I try so hard to not look into the side of life that makes me feel lost. I don't like where I am and it makes me so angry with who I am. I hate who I am now. In this constant up and down pattern.

  I have lost who I ever was........ I don't know if I will ever find myself back to the person I was.

  Forever in this vicious circle..........................................................................

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